Viewing Volume 5 Issue 1 Spring 2002
Bullying, Victimisation and Unresolved Grief in Children
Bullying and victimisation issues among our children have reached epidemic proportions in this new century. Over and over we have asked ourselves as grief educators, grief counsellors and parents, "How is the unresolved grief of today's children expressed?". The usual answer has been violence, crime, drugs, sex, suicide and homicide. Recently the largely unexplored issues of bullying and victimisation have begun to come into focus.
Thousands of boys and girls are sitting in their homes, schools or communities with unresolved, unrecognised grief issues that all too often are projected out into the world in the form of bullying, abuse, violence and homicide, or inwardly in the form of victimisation and feelings of low self esteem, depression, suicidal ideas and suicide. "The continuum of unresolved grief is ever growing, with suicide on the one extreme and homicide on the other" (Goldman, in press 2000). Too many of today's kids hold grief, loss and pain that is unresolved.
Recent research by Rigby and Slee (1999), presented in the article "Suicidal Ideation Among Adolescent School Children, Involvement in Bully -Victim Problems, and Perceived Social Support" indicated that student "involvement in bully-victim problems at school, especially for students with little social support, was significantly related to the degree of suicidal ideation" (p. 119). The loss of self esteem, safety and protection so common to grieving children is magnified with bully-victimisation issues.
"Children learn what they live" is a useful phrase to emphasise the huge effect adult modelling has on our youth. Family systems that foster aggression and condone bullying only perpetuate the misconception that bullying toughens kids. School systems that allow `boys to be boys' and hold no strong boundaries and guidelines against bullying clearly reinforce the abuse. Communities that value winning at sport competitions or in business arenas at all cost promote misconduct. The media teaches children through film after film, song after song, and video game after video game, that violence and hurtful behaviours are an integral and valued part of our society.
We must examine our own behaviours that justify tolerance of bullying in others and in ourselves if we are to help our children. Thormachien and Bass-Feld (1994) emphasise children who witness domestic violence often grow up exhibiting the same behaviours as their parents, with 30% of those who witness violence in their homes growing up to become perpetrators of violence (as compared to 2% to 4% found in the general population). Children learn that violence and abusive behaviours are effective ways to control others or they learn to become victims and be controlled.
Our kids are living in a world that rewards perceived strength and dominance. Many of our children and the adults around them admire those who can exhibit power over someone else. The sports arena, the corporate culture and media coverage consistently reward those who win at any cost, creating a society that views a bully as a kind of hero. Often traits of dominance, strength and power over others are valued as masculine.
Our goal is to change thinking and consciousness to allow the adult world to see bullying-victim encounters as dangerous to our children.
Educators, therapists, parents counsellors and all caring professions need to take action against the power structure inherent in bullying.
By:This is an abridged version of an article by Linda Goldman, from ADEC newsletter Oct 2001,who holds a MS. Degree in Counselling and a MS in early Childhood Education. She is a member of ADEC and has written numerous books, journal articles, conferences.
Editorial
We need the help of the membership to distribute to colleagues and in their workplace information on the annual conference.
Gradually Rachel and myself have been able to give time once again to the organisation. There is always a need for more volunteers to man the office and offer to belong to a specific sub-committee, i.e. conference; funding etc.
The new print of the regional directory is available from the office.. The cost including postage & package is £3-5Op per copy.
Remember all members are welcome at meetings and especially the Annual General Meeting on May 7th, we need your views to enable the organisation to develop and grow.
By:Kind regards, Angela.
9th International Annual Conrerence
Thurdsay 5th September 2002
"CHILDREN'S GRIEF"
By:
Preparing For Loss
Children learn about loss very early. They see it on television, hear about it in stories and see that the natural world around them is full of birth and death. Every Christmas "The Snowman" is shown on British television. Raymond Briggs' (1978) enchanting story depicts the wonderful adventures of a little boy experiencing the magic world of the snowman who comes to life and transports him to the land where Father Christmas lives. Each year, we share the awful loss when the boy wakes to find the snowman gone. But why is this story so popular? One reason for its success is that it deals with the central human issues of wondrous life and sorrowful parting, and that rarely fails to move us. Children shed tears but know that the boy's life was richer for his wonderful experience. They learn that the boy recovers from his sadness and returns to the love of his family. It is essentially a message of renewal and hope.
Much of children's literature is permeated with these themes of loss and survival and children love them precisely because they address their very deepest of feelings and most troubling fears. The most successful children's suthors tell great stories and do not flinch in the face of pain, and it is useful for those of us coming into contact with children experiencing loss and change to make ourselves aware of the wealth of material that is available to integrate into working with young people. Through the voices of Lion King / Harry Potter children can imagine surviving the utmost horror, the loss of a loved one. Healthy learning about loss frequently starts with exposure to stories in books, in films on television. If we can help children recognise and face such situations they will be better equipped to face personal loss.
Pets are as important part of this learning process since children become deeply attached to their animals and the loss of a pet may be their first experience of loss. By respecting the seriousness of this for the child, by understanding that it might be every bit as painful for them as losing a person, we introduce them to a healthy approach to handling grief. "I'll Always Love You " (1985) is the story of Elfie, "the best dog in the world", and it tells how the family reacted to her death. All is spoken by the little boy who everyday told his dog "I'll Always Love You Elfie" and was comforted when she died by the sure knowledge that his dog knew she was loved and would not be forgotten. This has implications for human relationships, as anyone working with children of dying parents or siblings knows that children may need help to express their love. Once love is given voice, the healing process for all involved is dramatically enhanced.
A child experiences a profound sense of loss, grief and anxiety when someone they love dies or leaves, particularly a parent, since young children invest almost all their emotional energy in their parents. Feelings of emptiness, tearfulness and aching fatigue take over. Where there has been divorce or a natural disaster, although no one close has died, the intact family or world the child new has died. For the child the world they knew has perished and will never be the same again. And whilst children may not have `adult' language to express their emotions it does not mean that they will not feel; limited vocabulary does not mean limited feelings. The first task of dealing with loss is finding the words and language appropriate to tell a child someone they love is dying or dead.
By:Adapted from 'Helping Children to Manage Loss'
by Brenda Mallon, Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
DO NOT FORGET TO BOOK YOUR EARLY BIRD PLACE FOR THE ANNUAL CONFERENCE
September 5th 2002 at GMB College Manchester
Contact us to book your place.
By:
Help Needed
We desperately need help to man the office on a Wednesday, any offers please?
We have to be able to respond to enquiries, answer machines are not the same!
By: