Viewing Volume 10 Issue 4 Winter 2007
abridged article from BHF Heart Health October2007 magazine.
Loss of a loved one is something that we will all go through at some point in our lives and, until we experience it, it is very hard to know how we will react or cope. It is important to remember that although there are common aspects of bereavement, there is no 'normal' reaction. How each person responds will be personal, as will the ways in which they will deal with their emotions, will be unique.
Pip Anthony lost her husband Gerald, to heart failure in June 2006. Pip finds that she experiences many different emotions and often all in one day: “The first thing that I felt when Gerald died was a massive rush of adrenalin. I knew that he would have wanted me to cope and that I had many people to look after and many important tasks ahead of me that I had to get on with; I wanted to do the best I could for Gerald”. However, once this initial rush had passed, she felt exhausted and her mood swung between numbness, shock, sadness and a feeling that her 'heart had broken'.
Even a year on Pip says some days can be an emotional roller coaster, “I feel the absolute devastation of my loss one moment and can be crying tears of laughter over some wonderful memory of Gerald the next. The hardest thing to accept is the finality of it, even after over a year I think to myself 'okay, that's enough Gerald, it's time for you to come back now'. You cannot imagine the loneliness and the things that will bother you, but you cannot be in denial.
The practical issues surrounding a death, such as registering it, arranging the funeral, dealing with the will and estate, will feel overwhelming. Pip found that she could only manage one or two administrative jobs a day as the smallest tasks seemed huge to her.
As well as having different reactions to a death, everyone will find their own way of coping and coming to terms with their loss. Talking about what has happened is recognised as an important element in the grieving process and healing process, but not everyone will want to speak to family and friends. In this case seeing a bereavement counsellor might be a good option and one that Pip found very effective. “I knew that there was no way of avoiding my grief and wanted to take all the help that was offered to me. Some people said, 'What do you need that for, you're so strong', but I knew that I should try it”.
Social interaction and support is vital to the healing process. You may feel like hiding away from the world, but just being with other people can make an enormous difference. There is no set time for the grieving process to last and it can be unpredictable and frightening. “You have to let it run it's course. The most important thing is to recognise your vulnerability and be prepared tom accept help. I have always tried to stay engaged with life, you just have to embrace a new phase. You don't forget the one you lost, but you use your past experiences with that person to cope and make the future worthwhile”.
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