Viewing Volume 8 Issue 2 Summer 2005
‘Leading a Bereavement Group: Avoiding Helper Pitfalls’
An adapted and shortened version of an article that appeared earlier in Bereavement Care, the journal of Cruse Bereavement Care in England.
Leading an effective bereavement group is not unlike guiding people through a challenge course. Individual variations in grieving intersect with group process, all influenced by the group leader. Potential “helping” pitfalls are in abundance. In this brief article, some of the twists and turns most likely to cause bereavement workers to slip into a helping pitfall when leading groups will be discussed.
THE FIX-IT PITFALL — Helpers do not like to see or hear people struggling or in pain. This intention can get translated into taking over from group members. Harriet Lerner (1985), in The Dance of Anger, wrote that one should be wary when others are doing too much at the expense of one’s own competence and growth. “Fixers” do just that.
A basic helping principle is to meet the person where they are, not where we think they should be. Avoid the fix-it pitfall by emphasizing your role as facilitator. Remind yourself regularly that the best kind of helping is the kind in which group members are aiding and supporting one another, not fixing someone.
THE “LET ME SEE MOVEMENT” PITFALL — The title, “group facilitator ” is translated by many as “change agent.” That is many helpers presume that by aiding people in addressing their losses, change will occur. The desire to see movement, and a grandiose belief that one should be facilitating it, can pull facilitators into another helping pitfall.
Be cautious. Remember that people grieve on their timetable, not yours. Remind yourself that people need time to integrate death into their daily reality. After loss, some choose to step backward to earlier practices or values. C.S. Lewis described grief as a process, not a state. “Grief,” he wrote, “is like a long valley…sometimes you are presented with exactly the same sort of country you thought you had left behind miles ago” (1961). Finally, remember that appearances can be deceiving. Some who look as if little is happening may be the most involved members of the group.
THE TOO NICE PITFALL — Many of us were taught in childhood that it was rude to interrupt. Or that nice people did not confront others. Group leaders can fail to pose important but tough questions when too nice. Strongly opinionated group members can dominate unless the group leader intervenes to ensure that the floor is shared and announces that all opinions are welcomed.
While such situations can be delicate the job of the group leader is to lead groups, not to win popularity contests. Caring and “niceness” are not always analogous. Caring can include setting limits and balancing the needs of many group members.
THE “THAT’S NOT THE WAY WE DO THINGS” PITFALL — Helping, at its best, is mutual help. It is recognition that, “There but for the grace of God (or fate or mystery) go I.” Everyone grieves. But everyone grieves differently. Effective bereavement group leaders meet the group members where they are and with their particular mourning patterns, rather than with a “We don’t do that here” message. One size does not fit all persons or situations. Explore many ways of grieving. Aid members in exploring multiple resources for bereavement care.
There are many other helping pitfalls. Here are some:
The One-On-One Pitfall...when group members interact more with the facilitator than each other;
The Fear of Letting Go Pitfall...holding onto group members even after they are ready to move on;
The Talking Too Much Pitfall, a tempting trap for “teacher” facilitators;
The Refusal To Ask For Help Pitfall…“I should be able to do this, for I am a group leaser”;
The Rigid This-Is-Our-Agenda Pitfall...the refusal to bend regardless of circumstances.
Choosing to work in bereavement groups means that we must fully utilize group process as an integral part of helping. The helping pitfalls named here occur when the helper takes on too much responsibility for the group members, at the expense pf effective group process. Working together, helping pitfalls can be avoided.
References: Lerner, Harriet (1985). The Dance of Anger. New York: Harper and Row.
Lewis, C.S. (1961). A Grief Observed. New York: Bantam.
By:Author: Ted Bowman
OBITUARIES
DR. JOHN MORGAN
Founder of King’s College Centre for Education about Death & Bereavement.
The Grief Centre acknowledges, with much sadness, that Dr. John (“Jack”) Morgan our Patron, friend and colleague died on May 14th 2005 in a London, Ontario hospital. He was 71, and is survived by his children, David and Brian, and by Marian Gawek.
Jack was a pioneer in the death awareness movement. He founded the King’s College Centre for Education about Death and Bereavement. He hosted 20 International Conferences at King’s College until his retirement in 2002. The conferences were renown for their world class speakers and the warm friendly atmosphere over the conference days.
Since 1997 Jack was our Patron at The Grief Centre – MABF, as such he gave us immeasurable support and affirmation that the work we are doing is needed in society. Angela Trinder, expressed reflection on a conversation with Jack, where she was feeling despondent at lack of successful funding applications, Jack said, “our life journey is changeable and we have to constantly chip away at the barriers that prevent us giving support in the community of life”.
He was a richly complex, generous man with a brilliant mind, who allowed us to have faith in ourselves and that having a life long commitment to care of the bereaved was a passionate part of our spiritual journey of life.
Rabbi Earl Grollman said, “In the words of The Song of Songs: ‘Love is stronger than the grave,’ Our love for Jack is stronger than death”.
DAME CICELY SAUNDERS OM, DBE,FRCP,FRCN.
22 June 1918 – 14 July 2005.
We would like to offer our condolences to the family, friends and acquaintances of Dame Cicely Saunders.
Dame Cicely founded St Christopher’s Hospice in 1967 as the first hospice linking expert pain and symptom control, compassionate care, teaching and clinical research. St. Christopher’s has been a pioneer in the field of palliative medicine, which is now established worldwide. Through her single minded vision, and the clinical practice and dissemination of her work through St. Christopher’s teaching and outreach, Dame Cicely has revolutionised the way in which society cares for the ill, the dying and the bereaved.
Dame Cicely Saunders recognised the inadequacy of the care of the dying that was offered in hospitals. So often, patients and families were told that “there was nothing more that could be done” a statement that she refused to accept. Throughout her time at St. Christopher’s her watchword has been “there is so much more to be done”.
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DIARY DATES
Committee Meetings.
Tuesday 30th August 2005
Tuesday 22nd November 2005
6.30 pm for 7 pm
At the Droylsden Office.
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ANNUAL CONFERENCE - ‘Family Grief’
Thursday 8th September 2005
At
Hough End Centre,
Mauldeth Road WestChorlton – cum – Hardy
Manchester
Speakers for the day include:
Dr. Marilyn Relf
Gordon Riches
John Peters
Jayne Handford
Prof. Stephen Wright
Dr. David Trickey
The Conference will be Chaired by:
Brenda Mallon (Vice Chair MABF)
Conference Price:
MABF Member 2004 £150
Non members £195
New Members 2005 £175
All delegates after 31st July £225
For information and booking please contact
The Grief Centre –MABF
Tel: 0161-371-8860
or
grief@ mabf.org.uk
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