Viewing Volume 5 Issue 4 Winter 2002
MASCULINITY AND LOSS
As we grow and develop, we establish a sense of self, a personal identity that acts as a source and symbol of security and stability. Each of us develops a sense of uniqueness and individuality which becomes a very important part of our emotional and psychological well being.
The experience of human loss is one example of the range of existential demands that characterise human existence. The dominant conception of masculinity, with its emphasis on holding back the expression of sadness and grief, presents challenges for the effective management of loss. It creates artificial barriers that add to the difficulties of handling bereavement and loss. For example, studies of the responses of parents to the loss of a child have shown significant gender differences, with fathers being less willing to express their grief openly.
The reluctance to acknowledge and work with one’s grief can turn the existential demand of loss into an existential crisis, a breakdown of ontological security. Loss can disturb or even shatter our everyday sense of reality. Where this occurs, one’s sense of reality is temporarily at least, thrown into disarray, and this feeling of confusion and uncertainty can add to the distress of the grief.
For men, this can present a major dilemma in which masculine notions of coping do not sit easily with the demands of the situation, creating additional tensions and pressures. A man’s sense of personal security can be seriously challenged and undermined by such an event.
Consequently, a crisis situation such as a bereavement can be seen to challenge and undermine security and lead to a reconsideration of meaning and values. The crisis of loss reintroduces the ontological dimension which, in everyday life, remains submerged and unquestioned. Loss presents a challenge for which traditional masculinity can been seen to have few answers.
Feminist analysis has brought our attention to the privileges and benefits for men in societies characterised by patriarchal social relations. Against these, however must be balanced the risk of ontological crisis brought about by the inadequacy of traditional masculine patterns of emotional response in dealing with the intensity of a bereavement. Such a crisis may have disastrous consequences. For example, Ridley points out that a high proportion of people who take their own lives have experienced a major upheaval in the previous year. In addition she notes the significance gender insofar as the suicide rate for males is twice that for females, and male deaths are more likely to be characterised by violence.
In some, masculinity can be seen to be detrimental at two levels-first it leaves men vulnerable to ontological insecurity and crisis at times of loss and upheaval; second, if ontological insecurity is experienced, the emotional inexpressiveness of masculinity leaves men ill-equipped to deal with it.
Traditional constructions of masculinity have been shown to be problematic, especially in relation to the existential challenges of loss and bereavement. An uncritical acceptance of stereotypical norms of masculinity carries with it many costs, not least of which are the emotional barriers associated with the expectation that “big boys don’t cry. Such barriers can lead to insecurity. There is therefore a high price to pay for traditional conceptions of masculinity.
The critique of masculinity is therefore to be promoted and pursued in the interests of a more constructive response to grief in particular, and a more enlightened approach to existence in general. It highlights the need to develop an approach to gender socialisation more in keeping with the reality we face, that is, a more authentic approach.
Abridged version of an article by Neil Thompson
By:Neil Thompson
cited in 'Men Coping with Grief'
edited by Dale A. Lund.
Emergency Planning Conference 5-6 November 2002.
Merseyside Fire & Civil Defence Authority.
Many thanks to The Grief Centre for asking me to represent our organisation at a very interesting conference. The topic was of special interest to me, having recently attended New York on the anniversary of the 9/11 disaster.
Among the main speakers at this well organised, well funded conference which 196 delegates attended were Mr. Ian Hyams a BBC freelance journalist who came out of semi retirement to cover over 200 interviews from Ground Zero. He lives in New Hampshire USA, where he continues to work from his home based studio. He related a fascinating reflection supported by photographs. He spoke of the acrid smell of smoke and dust, that it felt like you were entering a different world, where the silence was dramatic. He was one of the first reporters on site and spoke of how mentally exhausted he was especially when he realised how alone he was.
Mr. Robin Humphries worked as a member of the Central Communications branch of Scotland Yard within the anti terrorist branch. As part of the Major Incident Management Team, he is called upon to give specialist advice to police forces throughout the world. He spent 25 days in New York working with the disaster response team. It was interesting to here how police liaison officers were assigned to individual families for the duration and bonds were formed from this support. They set up a one stop shop in Manhattan where families could get every kind of help emotional, physical, financial, housing benefits etc, all under one roof without having to trail from government office to another department. This had been set up in response to lessons learnt from previous disasters. He had just returned from the latest bombing in Bali. Though he obviously had an interesting and powerful role his presentation appeared to lack sensitivity and empathy when talking about recovering body parts, he appeared to have forgotten these were peoples loved ones he was referring to.
Mr. Trevor Evans was an excellent articulate speaker who is the Environment, Science and Technology Officer at the American Embassy. He currently has responsibility for shipping and marine environment and serves as the Deputy
U.S. Permanent Representative to the International Maritime Organisation. He explained about his role in the diplomatic service and how the visual experience of the breaking news had affected him when informed of the attack. He addressed the social and political impact of the attacks on New York, America and the World. There were victims from over 90 countries affected by 9/11. Much of his talk was politically orientated and was good but sometimes left those of us ignorant of American politics in the dark.
The final speaker was Edward Gabriel, Deputy Commissioner for New York Emergency Planning and Chief of New York Fire Department. This man was possibly one of the best speakers it has ever been my privilege to hear. He began as a paramedic in Brooklyn Fire Department. The biography of this gentleman is two pages long in the conference brochure and now trains paramedics among his many other duties. His presentation was gripping, he was in Tower 1 when the building began collapsing and he retold how his friends and colleagues died around him. He told us the history of the Trade Centre, how it all happened and showed footage never seen before. This was an awesome presentation that I felt honoured to listen to. He spoke of the long term effects on fire-fighters and how the suicide rate for fire-fighters has increased, grief counselling is on going which is only scratching the surface. He spoke with compassion and honoured many who had died. He had a great sense of humour which was well used in such a sensitive presentation. His highlighting of feelings and experiences made you feel you were there. He was a natural speaker who now presents all over the world.
‘Attacks on America’ was a well organised conference with many sponsors, how good it would make our annual conference if we could recognise sponsors. The conference helped me gain further insight into events of 9/11 and the consequences for those left behind. Thanks to the Grief Centre for this opportunity.
By:Report back from Eric Norbury.
MABF member
VOLUNTEERING
'Can-U-Help'
The Grief Centre – Manchester Area Bereavement Forum is looking to strengthen its management team by recruiting suitably experienced voluntary committee members.
We are based in East Manchester and a registered charity. MABF was formed in 1993 and has almost 100 members. The organisation is seeking people with management experience to join a fourteen strong committee. We are looking for people with good strategic skills, Knowledge of fund raising applications and who posses the knowledge and know how of running and developing the organisation.
The role within the organisation suits both the young career professionals looking to broaden their experience and the more mature executive looking to give something back to the community. Computer literate people with experience in marketing and event management would be especially helpful to us. It would be expected the non-executive members would give a minimum of ½ to one day per week.
For further information, contact: ‘The Grief Centre’
0161-371-8860
Or e-mail us on: grief@mabf.org.uk
Web Site: www.mabf.org.uk
By:A.T.
DIARY DATES 2003
Committee Meetings.
Tues 28th Jan.
Thurs 20th Mar.
AGM Thurs 8 May.
All members welcome.
ANNUAL CONFERENCE
Friday 5th September 2003
‘Personal Traumas’
By:SFB